Blame It On The Dane

Dear Mr. Costner,

The numbers are in and much to our dismay here at "If I Blog It They Will Come" Mr. Brooks came in 4th place in its opening weekend at the Box Office with a sub par $10 million take. It seems that the legions of Kevin Costner fans didn't do their part to make Mr. Brooks the number one movie in America. Apparently they were all seeing that crappy new Pirates of the Caribbean flick for the 2nd time. Whatever you do Kevin, don't put the blame on you for the diminutive showing. Blame it on the Dane. Dane Cook that is. We thought your portrayal of an honest, hard-working man struggling with his inner demons was Oscar®- worthy. However, we thought Mr. Cook's portrayal of wannabe serial killer was positively Razzie-worthy. To quote your alter ego in the film "Even if that guy were funny and charming, I still wouldn't like him".

We had our concerns when Mr. Cook was announced to co-star in this film with you. We questioned if he had the maturity to play against you after hearing his "itchy asshole" stand-up routine. We tried to rationalize, settling on the explanation that he must be a good dramatic actor, because a thorough review of his body of work showed that he sure as hell wasn't funny. It felt appropriate to hold our tongue publicly, giving Mr. Cook and the project the benefit of a doubt. But now that Mr. Cook has sabotaged your success, let us conclude that the man is hyper-untalented in any creative discipline he attempts. Some critics are famous for giving a bad performance a "thumbs down." Allow us to appropriate one of Mr. Cook's signature bits and give him the "super-finger."

On the upside, we were positively relieved when you slashed Mr. Cook's character's throat with a shovel insuring that he would not be back for the sequel, which we will most certainly be looking forward to. In any case, Mr. Costner, Dane Cook's lack of acting ability did not sink the mesmerizing thriller that is Mr. Brooks. We're actually worried that we'll be having nightmares about Mr. Brooks coming for us. The only way to prevent those nightmares from happening would be for you to send us a happy, smiling photo of you looking at our blog to djayek@yahoo.com. That way we can separate our favorite actor from the character of Earl Brooks. Until that moment Kevin Costner as Earl Brooks will haunt our dreams. We look forward to hearing from you soon so that we may nip that nightmare trend in the bud. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
The Frightened Folks at "If I Blog It They Will Come"